I have not written in this blog for quite sometime and now I think a long, overdue entry is very needed.
Starting off this new year is very exciting. There are so many things that I'm looking forward to and what I'm looking forward to the most is learning how to love and be like Jesus. I struggled a lot last semester with finding my place. I wanted to be with my friends, but I knew what was going on was not something I stood for. In fact, I tried to stay away from most of that stuff. I had to fall, on my own, and then figure out a way to stand back up. When Christmas break came, it was the biggest relief ever. I just wanted to be out of Joplin so bad. This place is not my home.
Looking past all that stuff, I choose to look at my future and what it holds. I have dropped a good majority of my friends, or at least I do not hang out with as often, and my life seems a lot better and I'm a lot happier. God put people into my life last semester that came at the most crucial times and those people have no idea how much their friendship means to me. They helped me to stand up for what I thought to be right. They helped me begin to understand who I was. They let me be myself without trying to prove anything.
This semester is going to be a growing semester, I have decided. I want and need to be closer to God and that is not going to happen if I keep wanting to go back to my old friends. I love them and will pray for them everyday, but I cannot keep doing this to myself. I need a change and I need to change. I need to rely on God. I need to make decisions with God. I need Him to lead my life and not for me to lead my own. Whenever we choose to want to lead our own lives, that is when things begin to get messy.
I want to change for good. I want to grow more into the woman God made me to be and if that means a few bumps and bruises along the way, then so be it. You always have to experience pain to become refined. This is where change will being.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, November 8, 2010
When Growing Up Became Reality
"Lollipops turn into cigarettes. Innocent one turn into sluts. Soda becomes vodka. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero. Wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees; goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up...."
My sister had this as her status a couple weeks back and considering the week/month that I have had...let's just say that it is very fitting.
When I first read this, I just thought to myself how true this actually is. When we are little we never think of the other life that is waiting for us when we "grow up". You never think of cigarettes, vodka or even pain. When your little none of that matters. Your mind is so incredibly innocent. What happened to our minds? What happened to our hearts? What happened to us?
What happened is that we all fell for the world and what the world deems necessary. Now to be a grown up, you have to drink, you have to have sex, you have to do everything a "grown up" does, but since when did that become the norm....Our way of thinking and our way of acting is so incredibly distorted. Sometimes I just wish we were all little and everything we know now, was non exsistent. We wouldn't know what anything was. Sometimes I do believe, being naive is sometimes an advantage. Would I have the same life lessons now? Probably not, but to have a child-like mind, I would give anything for that.
To see the world through a childs eyes, now wouldn't that be something. Take everything you know and forget about it. Be a child again. Be amazed like a child.
Don't be a kid, but have a child-like mind because when you become a "grown up", you will still see things through a childs eyes.
Pain is obnoxious. Alcohol can be very dumb. Drugs are always a stupid choice. And these are the things we decide to have our lives focused around.
Learn to be child, because when it's gone, you will lose....everything.
Don't lose everything.
My sister had this as her status a couple weeks back and considering the week/month that I have had...let's just say that it is very fitting.
When I first read this, I just thought to myself how true this actually is. When we are little we never think of the other life that is waiting for us when we "grow up". You never think of cigarettes, vodka or even pain. When your little none of that matters. Your mind is so incredibly innocent. What happened to our minds? What happened to our hearts? What happened to us?
What happened is that we all fell for the world and what the world deems necessary. Now to be a grown up, you have to drink, you have to have sex, you have to do everything a "grown up" does, but since when did that become the norm....Our way of thinking and our way of acting is so incredibly distorted. Sometimes I just wish we were all little and everything we know now, was non exsistent. We wouldn't know what anything was. Sometimes I do believe, being naive is sometimes an advantage. Would I have the same life lessons now? Probably not, but to have a child-like mind, I would give anything for that.
To see the world through a childs eyes, now wouldn't that be something. Take everything you know and forget about it. Be a child again. Be amazed like a child.
Don't be a kid, but have a child-like mind because when you become a "grown up", you will still see things through a childs eyes.
Pain is obnoxious. Alcohol can be very dumb. Drugs are always a stupid choice. And these are the things we decide to have our lives focused around.
Learn to be child, because when it's gone, you will lose....everything.
Don't lose everything.
Friday, October 29, 2010
A Little Thing Called Love
Love.
Very easy to spell and very easy to say. We all know how to say "I love you" to somebody. You say those three beautiful little words to your friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, but saying them is one thing; acting it out is a very difficult task.
Why has it become so difficult for our actions to display our love? Or better yet, why can't we show love to people? There have been times in my life where I have come across some very hard hearted individuals who do not show love to a single person. They think that there way is the right way and anybody else who does not think exactly like them is wrong. I think it is very wrong and dangerous to take that approach to anybody.
There are going to be people who are not going to believe what you do and they are going to do things that you do not agree with. But why stop loving them?? That is when they need your love the most!! There are/were people in my life that need this kind of love. I do not agree with everything that goes on, but I do not condemn. I firmly state my opinion on the matter, but that does not mean I completely peel away our friendship if you do something I do not agree with. If anything, that just makes me love you more.
Love is a very deep word, with all kinds of meanings, but we do not take very good care of the word. We all need to start living out what love means, even to the ones we do not agree with. Love is one of the things that helps us survive the day. Be that love that somebody needs. They probably need it more than you know.
Love is key.
Very easy to spell and very easy to say. We all know how to say "I love you" to somebody. You say those three beautiful little words to your friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, but saying them is one thing; acting it out is a very difficult task.
Why has it become so difficult for our actions to display our love? Or better yet, why can't we show love to people? There have been times in my life where I have come across some very hard hearted individuals who do not show love to a single person. They think that there way is the right way and anybody else who does not think exactly like them is wrong. I think it is very wrong and dangerous to take that approach to anybody.
There are going to be people who are not going to believe what you do and they are going to do things that you do not agree with. But why stop loving them?? That is when they need your love the most!! There are/were people in my life that need this kind of love. I do not agree with everything that goes on, but I do not condemn. I firmly state my opinion on the matter, but that does not mean I completely peel away our friendship if you do something I do not agree with. If anything, that just makes me love you more.
Love is a very deep word, with all kinds of meanings, but we do not take very good care of the word. We all need to start living out what love means, even to the ones we do not agree with. Love is one of the things that helps us survive the day. Be that love that somebody needs. They probably need it more than you know.
Love is key.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I am a beautiful mess
Where to start...
Since December 2008, my life has changed and things that I thought would work out did not. Relationships have ended, but new ones have started. Immaturity has somewhat vanished and maturity has begun to take over. Friendships were made and some were broken or some have moved on. Hearts were broken, but they have been restored.
When I sit here at the age of 21, I claim that I have enough life experience to tell you all how to look at your life and examine it or try and tell you this is the correct way to live. Honestly, I have no idea how to tell you anything. I'm 21 and my life experience is nothing. Sure, I have been around a lot of things lately that could qualify as having life experience. Heck, things that have happened in the last year have given me more life experience than I could have ever imagined. Some of it was good, but also some it was very bad. Some of it I wish I could take back. All the choices I have made since my last entry though have made me who I am right now.
Like I said relationships were broken, trust was broken, hearts were broken, friendships were/are broken, but good has come out of every single one of those. These different things have challenged me to look at my own heart and my own self to see if there was anything to learn. Sure when it comes to trust, I have A LOT of work to do. I do not trust easy, especially when it comes to guys. Many people know that and it is a difficult task to believe anything they say without thinking there is an alternate meaning. Nevertheless, I see how damaging this can be to any relationship I want to be in or any friendships for that matter.
Hearts definitely took a toll over these past years. I have a problem with giving my heart over to people who do not deserve it. They do not deserve to see my heart or to even have a part of it. My heart was restored a little bit though in February 2010. That relationship I had ended bad, but we made it have a good outcome. Friendship is better than war. My heart took a beating not to long after that, but prayer and strength played out in the end. My heart still suffers, but not nearly as much as it did. It is getting better day by day and God continues to work on it, showing me over and over again to not give my heart out to losers who do not deserve to see it or know it.
I know this seems like a lot of negative, but all of this is to say that I have grown. I have grown into the person that I needed to be. There were a lot of things wrong, a lot of things I did not want to have to face, a lot of things that remained hidden, but not anymore. Here is where I will place my thoughts of my journey through life.
Things will get better because life is too beautiful to sit out and miss it.
Since December 2008, my life has changed and things that I thought would work out did not. Relationships have ended, but new ones have started. Immaturity has somewhat vanished and maturity has begun to take over. Friendships were made and some were broken or some have moved on. Hearts were broken, but they have been restored.
When I sit here at the age of 21, I claim that I have enough life experience to tell you all how to look at your life and examine it or try and tell you this is the correct way to live. Honestly, I have no idea how to tell you anything. I'm 21 and my life experience is nothing. Sure, I have been around a lot of things lately that could qualify as having life experience. Heck, things that have happened in the last year have given me more life experience than I could have ever imagined. Some of it was good, but also some it was very bad. Some of it I wish I could take back. All the choices I have made since my last entry though have made me who I am right now.
Like I said relationships were broken, trust was broken, hearts were broken, friendships were/are broken, but good has come out of every single one of those. These different things have challenged me to look at my own heart and my own self to see if there was anything to learn. Sure when it comes to trust, I have A LOT of work to do. I do not trust easy, especially when it comes to guys. Many people know that and it is a difficult task to believe anything they say without thinking there is an alternate meaning. Nevertheless, I see how damaging this can be to any relationship I want to be in or any friendships for that matter.
Hearts definitely took a toll over these past years. I have a problem with giving my heart over to people who do not deserve it. They do not deserve to see my heart or to even have a part of it. My heart was restored a little bit though in February 2010. That relationship I had ended bad, but we made it have a good outcome. Friendship is better than war. My heart took a beating not to long after that, but prayer and strength played out in the end. My heart still suffers, but not nearly as much as it did. It is getting better day by day and God continues to work on it, showing me over and over again to not give my heart out to losers who do not deserve to see it or know it.
I know this seems like a lot of negative, but all of this is to say that I have grown. I have grown into the person that I needed to be. There were a lot of things wrong, a lot of things I did not want to have to face, a lot of things that remained hidden, but not anymore. Here is where I will place my thoughts of my journey through life.
Things will get better because life is too beautiful to sit out and miss it.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
So I'm home....
I'm finally home today and it's a very bittersweet feeling. I'm already homesick for the place I call my home now. Jesus is alive there and He is not here. It's hard for me to live the life I'm called to do so when my family members are the only Christians that I'm close to. I have no friends here that support me. I know it'll be okay though. God has me wrapped in His arms and He is never letting go.
So, before I came home today, I took a trip down to Hatfield, Arkansas for my room mates wedding. My room mate is Nikki Fisher, but now Nikki Cecil. Her wedding was very bittersweet. I was so happy for her because she found the person she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. It made me wonder though if God does have certain individuals for certain people or if some of us are actually supposed to be alone. Through the pain that was in my heart that day, I pursued it with happiness because I know that all I need is my Father in Heaven. I know that either way, whether I find 'the one' or not God has me wrapped in His arms and I will always be good enough for Him.
God has a way of making me see things that I need to work on through other people and to also re-learn from others that I am still human and I make mistakes as well. It's good to have those reminders daily. I realize that I'm not who I am supposed to be in God and I need Him. I lost Him and now it is my job to find Him. I need to throw away my past and fears, so I can become like God and how some people put it, have 'short-term memory loss' of all my sins.
This was not supposed to be depressing journal and if some of you got bored I'm sorry, but I don't get to pour my heart out a lot and this seems like a safe enough place to do it. I hope that I can get on here more often so keep a record of all the good things God has done in my life. Through pain and suffering we grow to become like Christ everyday. I will carry my cross for His sake.
So, before I came home today, I took a trip down to Hatfield, Arkansas for my room mates wedding. My room mate is Nikki Fisher, but now Nikki Cecil. Her wedding was very bittersweet. I was so happy for her because she found the person she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. It made me wonder though if God does have certain individuals for certain people or if some of us are actually supposed to be alone. Through the pain that was in my heart that day, I pursued it with happiness because I know that all I need is my Father in Heaven. I know that either way, whether I find 'the one' or not God has me wrapped in His arms and I will always be good enough for Him.
God has a way of making me see things that I need to work on through other people and to also re-learn from others that I am still human and I make mistakes as well. It's good to have those reminders daily. I realize that I'm not who I am supposed to be in God and I need Him. I lost Him and now it is my job to find Him. I need to throw away my past and fears, so I can become like God and how some people put it, have 'short-term memory loss' of all my sins.
This was not supposed to be depressing journal and if some of you got bored I'm sorry, but I don't get to pour my heart out a lot and this seems like a safe enough place to do it. I hope that I can get on here more often so keep a record of all the good things God has done in my life. Through pain and suffering we grow to become like Christ everyday. I will carry my cross for His sake.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
