The Darkness that Surrounds Me

Moving to Springfield.....let's just say was supposed to be happy, but instead it has been really hard. A lot harder than I expected it to be. I'm not going to lie...sometimes I wish I lived far, far away. Missouri just has memories attached to it that I do not want anymore. I have so many in St. Louis, Joplin and now Springfield (I had some in Springfield before I ever lived there). These memories always cloud my thoughts. Now I finally get what people mean when they leave home or they leave Ozark. It is one of the toughest things that continues to stay with me. Joplin has way too many memories, ones that will no longer be there soon enough.

I recognize this feeling that I'm having. I had it one of my semesters down at Ozark. All I want is to stay in my room. I don't even want to make an appearance anywhere. I feel, used, broken, wasted, hurt, not worthy....deep down though I know that's not how it is. So why does this keep happening to me? I think I have finally figured it out. I just keep losing people in my life that are important. Now I understand we all have to grow up, I just did not know that it would be this hard. Maybe being in Joplin this summer was a mistake...maybe I should have connected more with people at home. Maybe Missouri and I are done.

My heart aches and my stomach wrenches. It's hard to see God in all of this when everything is being taken from you. Graduating in May was hard enough because I knew there was a very slim chance to ever seeing my friends again and now, it is more tough because I know that I will never see them again. I has just finally began to sink in and this is something that I am not okay with. Who am I going to talk to at 3 in the morning when my world is crashing down? Or who am I going to be able to talk to period? The computer? I need a friend. I need someone who is going to be there. I need a constant. I need God.

I know that I'm strong, but sometimes it's hard to believe that God won't leave me. I have 2 more years with the rest of my friends that are down there, but after that....we all are officially split and the time it took to build those relationships are done. Why even try to make friends in the first place? Why try to rebuild? You lose everything anyway. Maybe this is supposed to be the time that I find myself, but honestly how am I supposed to find myself if I don't have friends by my side helping me.

All of my close friends, who know me are going to be done with me. I just need to accept the fact that we were never going to stay close in the first place. This feeling is familiar because this is the darkness that keeps surrounding me.