A Beautiful Let Down

So I haven't written in this blog for a few months and so much has happened. There are so many things that have happened that I do not even want to write them down because this will lead to a depressing blog, but I really do not have any other choice. These last few months have been a joy, but they have also been a tremendous let down. Do you ever get that feeling in your life where you know that a long time ago you made the right decisions, but now, when you look back, you wish you could have done things differently because of the circumstances that you are currently faced with? I am at that point. My education at Ozark Christian College is coming to an end here in May and all I have to say is thank God and good bye Joplin! This place has caused me more pain than joy, more sadness than happiness, more drama than good times and more let downs than greatness. Going to a Christian College, I thought, would be the best thing for me. I would meet really great people and learn great things. I would have awesome friends that would hold me accountable, that would not let me fall and that would challenge me in my faith. Instead of all of that happening, everything went the complete opposite way.

I have people in my life that are completely selfish. They only think about themselves and do not care to even wonder how people, outside of themselves, are actually doing. What happened to being concerned for people, especially your 'closes' friends? I do not understand why this always ends up happening to me and I do not understand why I always end up the one who has to deal with every thing, why I'm the one that ends up with the crappy friends that do not really genuinely care about me and why is it that I can constantly bend over backwards for them, but when I need something, it is impossible for it to happen? I have crappy people in my life, end of story. Now do not get me wrong, I have some great friends out there, but the people I consider to be close to my life, they just suck. I'm so SICK of getting treated like I'm nothing. This is why I have to say that I am 100% happy I graduate in a month and then ultimately I NEVER have to see anyone EVER again.

I can't help but look at God though and wonder why this keeps happening to me. Why am I constantly surrounded by people that do not care about me and only want my friendship because they know that I will help in anyway I can. Being a servant is a good thing, but c'mon! I need people in my life that are going to care about me! I need people to show that they care! Why does this always happen to me?

I just pray that in my next stage of life, I am smart enough to not go for the same people. I want people who want to make me better, I want friendships that will lift me up instead of tearing me down. I want people to finally care about who I am. I am ready for this and have been for a very long time. I'm done with people that do not care about me. I'm done hurting myself and breaking my back for people when I do not get the same thing in return. There is no need for it. I deserve to have people in my life that do care.

Thank you for the ones that actually do care about me. You guys have made me grow in these last few months more than I have these last 4 years at Ozark. I will miss your friendship greatly. You have not been a beautiful let down. You have been a God-send.