Chapter One

Chapter One

Have you ever wonder what the definition of grief is?  

Grief: “Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction

of loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.”

That is the definition of grief and it seems easy enough right? When it comes down to it, the definition makes the word seem awfully simple and maybe that is one of the reasons why people expect grief to be so easy. Another possible reason people expect grief to be easy is due to the infamous “5 Stages of Grief” model. You know the stages right? Stage One, Denial. Stage Two, Anger. Stage Three, Bargaining. Stage Four, Depression. Stage Five, Acceptance. It is assumed that once you hit acceptance (Stage Five) you are “cured” in a sense.  So, what exactly does acceptance mean if it is the cure, the end all be all:

                        Acceptance: “The act of taking or receiving something

offered. Favorable reception; approval; favor.”

Are you kidding me? Explain to me how someone’s passing can be looked as favorable or even taking grief as some sort of offering. That does not make sense on any level. Is this what people are expecting of someone when they move through the final stage of grief, just pure favorable reception? Unfortunately, that is the attitude that some people have towards grief and acceptance. Society tells us that it is something that we need to get over and move on from; being in grief in something that is considered a weakness over time. Society tells us that they are in a better place and they are no longer hurting. You know what I have to say to that? You have no idea what you are talking about (and that is just the nice version by the way).

Grant it, society does the best that they can for a situation that no one can really understand. My grief journey is completely different than my friends’ grief journey and vice versa. Not one grief journey is going to be same and nor should it be. In this book, I’m not offering a solution and I am definitely not telling you how to live your grief journey. That is not my job so please do not misunderstand. I am writing this book to help anyone who has been there, to anyone who feels like they cannot be genuine with their journey. I am writing this, because let’s be honest grief is nasty, awful, you feel hopeless, frustrated because you are not where you feel like you should be in the midst of your grief and you feel like you are the only one surviving in your own little world. Trust me when I say, keep you going; you are doing the best with the situation that you have been given. I am writing this to share my own journey with you to let you know I have been there; to be real with you because I have done unhealthy things to “get over” my grief. I am writing this to help you know and understand that you are not alone.

November 1^st, 2012. That is they day my true journey begins.

When Everything is Falling Apart, You Will Be Safe in His Arms

November 1st 5am, that's the day that my life changed forever. My dad came in my room crying. I thought that something had happened to my mom, I wasn't prepared to deal with what I was about the hear. My dad said that my brother had died of a heart attack. Do you know what it's like getting woken up from your sleep to find out that your brother is dead? Do you know what it's like to hear that you lost a son? Do you even know what it's like to hear that your husband is dead? Those are words that no one can ever prepare for. Once you hear those words, your life completely changes. November 1st is the day that my life changed, forever.

My brother, Wil Wallace, is such an amazing man. Anyone who came into contact with him thought the world of this man. His life is proof to how he served God. He loved God and he loved people. My brother took that call very seriously. He wanted to make sure that everyone felt loved and accepted, but he wasn't afraid to tell them the truth when it came down to it. My brother gave you tough love when it was needed. He is such a great dad to his children. He loved them to his core and he wanted to raise them right and in the church. He loved his wife Tonya. There love is something that movies and books talk about. They had the kind of love that you are envious of and you hope one day you will find. My brother was and is an amazing person.

My brother's death has taught me that nothing is really in my control. It has also taught me that the answer to everything can be found through Christ. I'm not going to say that my relationship with Christ has been awesome, but his death has made me aware of how much work I really need to be doing. I pray that God will give me the same strength that he gave my brother. I pray that he will give me same heart of compassion and to really see the good in people. I want to make a difference in this world. I feel like my brother was on his way to do that. My brother died at 34; he was too young. I should be mad at God, but I'm not. I don't mourn like those who have no hope. I will see my brother again someday and that day will be really sweet. I'm excited to see how God is going to use my family through this.

I miss my brother very much. I know that God is protecting our family. I will be safe in His arms.

When the World Seems to be Ending, You Are Right There...

Things have been really stressful lately. Not with school, but just with life. I am just so confused about so many things. I miss my friends a lot, I need to get past things, but my heart and mind are not connecting, I need to be in a better relationship with God, but that has yet to happen. There are so many people I want to talk to. I want to be held accountable for things. I want other Christians to not judge me, I want to be loved. Everything just seems so out of place. My life seems out of place. I just do not have a plan.

My Bible Study group is reading this book called Uncensored and it is really good, but it reminds me too much of my past relationships and how they have messed up. It pretty much re-tells my life and I'm not okay with that. The reason I'm not okay with that is obviously I'm not over it. Something is still sticking with me. Maybe I feel ruined still or I feel like I ruined them. But God's grace covers me right? So why do I feel like this?

I know I keep saying it, but I really want to better my relationship with Christ. It is really important to me. I don't know what I'm going to have to do....I just seem so lost. I guess it is good that God's grace just keeps on giving. He loves me. That's all that I should be concerned about anyway. The world seems over most of the time. Sometimes I forget that my God is there, but I know He is. I just wonder what it is going to take for me to get back to the Brittney that trusted God to take care of my problems. I want that back.

I guess my prayer is for me to realize I need God more than I think I do. Will you pray for me and with me?

The Darkness that Surrounds Me

Moving to Springfield.....let's just say was supposed to be happy, but instead it has been really hard. A lot harder than I expected it to be. I'm not going to lie...sometimes I wish I lived far, far away. Missouri just has memories attached to it that I do not want anymore. I have so many in St. Louis, Joplin and now Springfield (I had some in Springfield before I ever lived there). These memories always cloud my thoughts. Now I finally get what people mean when they leave home or they leave Ozark. It is one of the toughest things that continues to stay with me. Joplin has way too many memories, ones that will no longer be there soon enough.

I recognize this feeling that I'm having. I had it one of my semesters down at Ozark. All I want is to stay in my room. I don't even want to make an appearance anywhere. I feel, used, broken, wasted, hurt, not worthy....deep down though I know that's not how it is. So why does this keep happening to me? I think I have finally figured it out. I just keep losing people in my life that are important. Now I understand we all have to grow up, I just did not know that it would be this hard. Maybe being in Joplin this summer was a mistake...maybe I should have connected more with people at home. Maybe Missouri and I are done.

My heart aches and my stomach wrenches. It's hard to see God in all of this when everything is being taken from you. Graduating in May was hard enough because I knew there was a very slim chance to ever seeing my friends again and now, it is more tough because I know that I will never see them again. I has just finally began to sink in and this is something that I am not okay with. Who am I going to talk to at 3 in the morning when my world is crashing down? Or who am I going to be able to talk to period? The computer? I need a friend. I need someone who is going to be there. I need a constant. I need God.

I know that I'm strong, but sometimes it's hard to believe that God won't leave me. I have 2 more years with the rest of my friends that are down there, but after that....we all are officially split and the time it took to build those relationships are done. Why even try to make friends in the first place? Why try to rebuild? You lose everything anyway. Maybe this is supposed to be the time that I find myself, but honestly how am I supposed to find myself if I don't have friends by my side helping me.

All of my close friends, who know me are going to be done with me. I just need to accept the fact that we were never going to stay close in the first place. This feeling is familiar because this is the darkness that keeps surrounding me.

Different, but good :)

So far, Springfield has been really good to me. I admit though, I did not actually start living until August 17th. My job had finally started and that weekend I was leaving for Hutchinson, Kansas to be in one my friends weddings. The wedding was great and I got to see a lot of people that I knew I wasn't going to get to see for awhile. It's really hard being away from many of your friends, but I know there is a reason for it. On top of my job starting, my new school has officially started. I really do enjoy it. I like being able to be in just counseling classes. Do not get me wrong, I really do miss my Bible classes, but there is just something different about being in all counseling classes. I mean that is what I am studying so it makes sense.

There have already been things that have happened to me in the last couple of weeks that makes me wonder if this is how it is going to be here all the time. I thought Ozark boys were bad lol :) Just kidding, but seriously. Everyone at my school seems to be genuine and that is something that I really do appreciate.

Everything is just different now. I still feel like I am just sitting in someone elses' dream and that I'm not really here yet. We will see where this different life takes me.

New Beginnings

I am finally in Springfield :D This long awaited day has finally arrived. Let me update you on my life though.

My last entry was a bit of a sob story. All of it was true, but times have changed and things are different now. On May 21st, 2011 I finally graduated from Ozark Christian College and that literally, was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I have two degrees from there and the freedom to do what I want to do. On May 22nd, at 5:41 an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin. Thankfully, it did not hit anywhere near my school, but the damage that was done is devastating. There was literally nothing left and the only way I knew how to explain it was to say that it looked like a bomb had gone off.

Joplin had changed. I spent my summer down there helping and working. I ran into a few crossroads that have changed me and that I have learned from. I can definitely say that moving from Joplin is one of the best decisions that I could make. I am inspired by Joplin, but there does come a time where I need to move on with my life and that started yesterday. My heart still hurts for the Joplin and the people of Joplin daily, but with their spirit, that town is going to look brand new :)

I moved to Springfield to start my next journey. I will be attending a grad school there this fall called Assemblies of God Theological Seminary. I am looking forward to it. I have a great roommate! And I can just tell that this going to be different, the good different I have been waiting for. I am officially doing something great with my life and moving on. Springfield opens up a door of great opportunities that I cannot wait to try. Grad school is definitely going to be different from the school I just came from, but it's good. I feel like I have grown up in these last couple of months. I am not the same girl that left Joplin only 3 weeks ago.

I made mistakes that I wish I could take back, but there is no point. They have only made me stronger and more convicted. I want to live a good life and I think that God has given me one more shot to do that here. I am strong, but if I want to admit it to myself, I lost God awhile back. I believe in Him, do not get me wrong, I just lost who He was. I lost that He was the saving grace, the forgiver of all things and the righteous judge. I want that back.

Ozark was a lot harder than I thought and I already wish I had another chance to go and do it over. At the same time, God has given me another chance. He gave me Springfield. He gave me another chance. Joplin is a closed chapter in my book. That is not to say I will not ever miss Joplin, but my story is done there. The place I gave 4 years of my life is done. I close this chapter and open another. This is a place with new beginnings. Thank you God :)

A Beautiful Let Down

So I haven't written in this blog for a few months and so much has happened. There are so many things that have happened that I do not even want to write them down because this will lead to a depressing blog, but I really do not have any other choice. These last few months have been a joy, but they have also been a tremendous let down. Do you ever get that feeling in your life where you know that a long time ago you made the right decisions, but now, when you look back, you wish you could have done things differently because of the circumstances that you are currently faced with? I am at that point. My education at Ozark Christian College is coming to an end here in May and all I have to say is thank God and good bye Joplin! This place has caused me more pain than joy, more sadness than happiness, more drama than good times and more let downs than greatness. Going to a Christian College, I thought, would be the best thing for me. I would meet really great people and learn great things. I would have awesome friends that would hold me accountable, that would not let me fall and that would challenge me in my faith. Instead of all of that happening, everything went the complete opposite way.

I have people in my life that are completely selfish. They only think about themselves and do not care to even wonder how people, outside of themselves, are actually doing. What happened to being concerned for people, especially your 'closes' friends? I do not understand why this always ends up happening to me and I do not understand why I always end up the one who has to deal with every thing, why I'm the one that ends up with the crappy friends that do not really genuinely care about me and why is it that I can constantly bend over backwards for them, but when I need something, it is impossible for it to happen? I have crappy people in my life, end of story. Now do not get me wrong, I have some great friends out there, but the people I consider to be close to my life, they just suck. I'm so SICK of getting treated like I'm nothing. This is why I have to say that I am 100% happy I graduate in a month and then ultimately I NEVER have to see anyone EVER again.

I can't help but look at God though and wonder why this keeps happening to me. Why am I constantly surrounded by people that do not care about me and only want my friendship because they know that I will help in anyway I can. Being a servant is a good thing, but c'mon! I need people in my life that are going to care about me! I need people to show that they care! Why does this always happen to me?

I just pray that in my next stage of life, I am smart enough to not go for the same people. I want people who want to make me better, I want friendships that will lift me up instead of tearing me down. I want people to finally care about who I am. I am ready for this and have been for a very long time. I'm done with people that do not care about me. I'm done hurting myself and breaking my back for people when I do not get the same thing in return. There is no need for it. I deserve to have people in my life that do care.

Thank you for the ones that actually do care about me. You guys have made me grow in these last few months more than I have these last 4 years at Ozark. I will miss your friendship greatly. You have not been a beautiful let down. You have been a God-send.